I'm so glad He knows...

I've really been in a dry spell spiritually since Jones was born. Actually, I was totally overwhelmed by the miracle of his birth right at the beginning, but then i've just gotten to inattentive. I haven't felt any sort of turmoil or anything, but just a real lack of connection and a real dryness. Its no mystery why this has happened. My quiet time has become completely non-existent, and I haven't paid attention in church for 4 months. Well, several weeks ago I finally decided that I was really ready to start "being" at church, so I took Jones to the nursery. (That is a hard move!) However, I just can't seem to get my brain focused enough to even attempt quiet time. Every time I even think about it it takes about 2 seconds to be completely distracted and forget all about my attempt. I feel so scatter-brained right now. It is so frustrating to know that I need to focus and spend some time in prayer and in the word, and not be able to get there. I've just been slipping in little thought prayers as often as I think about it for God to just find a way to get through to me.

Well...the other night I was lying on the couch playing a game on my phone when I really felt nudged to use my time more wisely and get out my Bible. So I closed the game and sat up, but noticed that I had emails. Needless to say, 20 minutes later I had completely forgotten about getting out my Bible. While I was checking email and playing on Facebook there was a commercial on TV to feed starving children in Africa. Unlike the typical commercial of this type, this commercial went more in depth with little kids that were so sick and families so desperate. It just broke my heart and I got all choked up, so I changed the channel. I continued playing online when I got to an email my mom had sent a few days earlier with a video clip called Eliot's 99 Days. I hadn't watched it so I pulled it up. Its a father reading letters he had written to his (first unborn) then newborn son. Eliot had Trisomy 18 which meant he wouldn't live. Each letter talked about how excited they were for each day that Eliot overcame. They celebrated a birthday each day and cherished every single thing this little guy accomplished just by being alive. He lived to be 99 days old and even after his death the letters were so thankful for the time they were blessed with Eliot's life. Needless to say it was a tear-jerker. However, it moved me at a deeper level than just a touching story. My heart was wrenched and I wept. I was overcome with a love that I've never known for my precious baby boy. It can not even be explained. I finally had a spiritual moment where God was able to reach me through the very thing that was distracting me from him. That thought just blew me away. My heart was moved from an email and by babies! Then my sweet husband motioned me to come sit with him and when I got there he was looking through all of the pictures of our life together so far. All I could think was "Why did I get so lucky? Why is mine perfect? I know You have called me to something greater than myself and have reaffirmed that by giving me this perfect child. You have reaffirmed it by giving me my soulmate. You have reaffirmed it by showing me a commercial and instead of wanting to give money I want to move there and fix it." I just found out that two of my friends from school that just announced their pregnancies lost their babies in the same week. That completely tears me apart. Why them? The whole experience was a huge pile of emotion. It was emotion that I needed to feel out loud for once. All of it together was so extremely humbling yet so powerful and so clear. That night I stood by the nursery door and prayed. I prayed real prayers from the bottom of my heart for the first time in a long time. Then I went to bed and fell asleep in a long overdue state of connectedness with God. It has been 4 days since then and I have been able to read my Bible a couple times and spend small chunks of time quietly with the Lord without distraction. Its a start. I have been moved and I love it.

Thanks, God, for doing that.